- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once. (Eric Snyder)
- "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor says, "Tell him I can't see him!"
- I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls.(Bennet)
- If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? (Evets)
- A policeman pulled me over and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "You should really ask a psychic!" (Nguyen Matos)
- "Doctor, I have a memory problem!" The doctor says, "When did it start?" "When did what start?"
- Another way to say "water" is H2O. It sounds fancy, but it's just h, i, j, k, l, m, n and o. (Charlie Mickle)
- If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair? (Evets)
- Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, "How do you drive this thing?" (Gary)
- A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. The doctor comes in and says, "I have bad news. You're going to die in 10." The panic-striken man says, "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?" The doctor says, "9 - 8 - 7 - 6...." (Ben)
- I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 1,000 aspirin. After the first two, I felt better!
- Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921. (LarryNewParts)
- Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. (Travis)
- Doctor to patient: "I'd tell you what your condition is, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it!"
- Patient: "Doctor, something is wrong! I'm shrinking!" Doctor: "Now, now - you'll have to be a little patient!"
- I joined a secret club; the guy at the door asked me, "What's the password?" I told him, "Aren't you supposed to know that?" (Kyle)
- Life begins when you're born, and ends with an E
- Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again". (Jessica)
- Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- A man's house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, "Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!" The Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said, "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"
- A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective. She went into the station to apply, and the sergeant said, "I will need to ask you a few questions." "What is 2+2?" The blonde said, "4." "What color is the sky?" The blonde answered, "Blue." "Who shot Lincoln?" The blonde said, "I don't know." The officer said, "When you find out come back and tell me." So the blonde went home. Her roommate asked her if she got the job. She said, "As a matter of fact I did, and they put me on a case already!"
- Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
- A Daughter said to his dad,"Dad, can you do my homework for me?" The dad says, "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!"
- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."
- Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
- A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this."
- Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.
- The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren't much to look at.
- Obey gravity! It's the law.
- In an aeroplane.."Hello Everyone, we have a first time flyer on board today - and it is also their 50th birthday!" After everybody cheers, the flight attendant continues, "Will everyone please wish the captain a Happy Birthday!?"
- From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
- From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
- Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
Enjoy your reading.. These jokes was taken also from www.funny2.com. The names in the bracket refers to the poster of the jokes.
